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Life could not be worse for Tiger Woods right now. That may even be literal. Like maybe if he were constantly on fire or if his leg was eaten by a bear or something that would arguably be worse, but it would have to be on top of everything that’s already going on.

So Tiger Woods appears one day as this hot shot young golfer. He has unheard of skill, he’s a young guy, and he’s not white. He’s the exact opposite of golf and he makes the sport huge. And in turn he becomes a bajillionaire and world famous. How do you fuck that up? You fuck. A lot.

Despite having some Nordic swimsuit model of a wife, Tiger apparently decided to cheat on her. Again and again and again. Up until this point, Tiger Woods has been pretty much as dull as dishwater in public. He has a golfer attitude if nothing else. He seems mildly standoffish, he keeps to himself, he’s boring as shit when he’s not playing. But now he’s driving into trees and apparently fucking any vagina that gets within 20 yards of him.

So that story would be all fine and good in terms of celebrity mayhem, not too different from any other scandal but also, it keeps growing. The newest development? When Tiger isn’t cheating with any of a dozen other women, he’s paying for it. Fuck yeah, Tiger. Now we know why he plays golf instead of something like baseball – his groin can’t handle any more vigorous activity. His entire life seems to be golf, endorsements and fucking like, well, a tiger.

Hollywood madam Michelle Braun has come forward and said Woods has dropped about $60,000 on her girls over the last three years. This should teach all celebrities one important lesson – madam’s are not trustworthy. No offense or anything, but they seem more than happy to spill the beans on any famous clientele once the shit hits the fan.

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