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Far be it from me to produce a crass blog entry as I pride myself on being an upstanding and well rounded citizen, but in the interests of the holiday and the belief that everyone should cum until it hurts just a little bit tonight, behold our list of ways that a New Year’s Eve party works out differently with a hooker of somewhat ill repute (which is to say we’re going for low-brow hooker jokes here. Apologies to all ladies with some class).

1 – She funnels the pink champagne starting at around 7 PM
2 – When the ball drops at midnight, it costs $20. It’s only $35 if it drops a second time before 12:10
3 – Doesn’t know the words to Auld Lang Syne but will sing Rumpshaker
4 –You may need to explain the difference between sucking and blowing with the noisemakers
5 – When you kiss at midnight, she’s giving someone else a handjob
6 – She proposes a toast with methadone
7 – Will attempt to smuggle hors d’œuvres out in her vagina
8 – Her pimp is the only one in a real diamond crown
9 – Dresses up for a formal dance by choosing the black fishnets instead of the hot pink
10 – Makes jokes about how the hors d’œuvres aren’t the only crab puffs in the room
11 – She’s Julia Roberts
12 – If you keep her past the hour, she charges an extra $50, $40 if you don’t mind watching some of her kids
13 – Proposes a party game that involves bean bags and her crotch
14 – Wows the crowd with pitch perfect hummer reproductions of popular music that you can dance to
15 – It’ll be easy to remember the exact time and place you contracted herpes